I Wish I Had My Kids When I Was Younger

Lately, I’ve been seeing an old friend post on Facebook how happy she is that her daughter is loving her first year in college. She’s posted pictures of them setting up her daughter’s dorm room, shopping for new clothes and even going to college football games together. Occasionally she’ll post pictures of herself having a night on the town with friends and now that she’s an “empty nester”, she goes out often. In the pictures she posts with her daughter, they look like sisters, or at the very least, friends. And, I’m jealous; no one will ever mistake me for my daughters’ sister or friend, ever.

Granted, this woman had her daughter when she was just 17 and, obviously, at the time, it was difficult for her. Instead of doing normal high school things like going out with friends and enjoying her youth, she had to take care of her new responsibilities. Slowly, she stopped coming around as she prioritized taking care of her daughter (as she should have) and we went on to hear stories of her, here and there. But now, I see these photos of her and her young adult daughter and a few things come to mind; First, I have so much respect for her. She overcame all those struggles as a single mom, gave up her own childhood in a sense and did the best she could to raise this young lady. Clearly, she did a remarkable job. Second, it also makes me think I was a shitty friend for not being there for her- but in my defense, I was young. Lastly, the other thing that comes to mind, and it is completely superficial; stories like this sometimes make me wish I had my kids when I was younger.

I had my first child at 30, and while on paper, it was the perfect age for me (I had been married for two years, had a good job, had done some traveling and got a lot of partying out of my system), in reality and now looking back, I wish I had started out younger. Forty is around the corner and I just don’t have the same energy I had a decade ago. I feel like I need to work out just to be able to keep up with my kids. How do people in their 40’s engage and keep up with their toddlers?! I don’t know how they do it.

With that said, At 30, I was one of the first in my circle of friends to have a baby. There’s a handful of them now that, as they approach forty or are over forty are still considering having children. And while I encourage and support my friends in whatever they want to do, a part of me thinks they are crazy. But that’s the funny thing with a different perspective; it’s brings it’s own baggage.

To be completely honest, I’m jealous of those 40+ year olds that had children in their 20’s (or younger). I’m sure their perspective is different but I am an outsider admiring the fact that you and your baby “grew up together” and while you may have struggled, look at you now- looking like siblings, hanging out together, sharing clothes. You are the real MVP’s and I acknowledge you.

No one will ever confuse me for being my daughters’ sister or friend. And I wish that wasn’t the case. People my age with older children are really out here living their best lives; traveling, dating, enjoying their partners and I’m in the thick of motherhood and while I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world and deep down I trust that life unfolds as it should, I like playing around with the idea of being in that same boat, even if it’s purely for reasons of vanity. It’s OK to daydream.

Sometimes when I’m doing things with the girls, I feel very out of shape. Having a four-year old for the third time around, I feel a huge difference in my energy levels and more importantly, my patience- it’s just not there for my youngest. But then as I daydream about being a “cool mom” with what would be teenagers now, I realize that I probably wouldn’t have the patience for that either and I remember to enjoy each moment of motherhood, just as it comes.

Does anyone else ever feel like they wish they had their kids at a younger age?

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